Number Forty Nine: The Opportunities

I’ve done a few fun things lately that wound not have come about had it not been for The Beast Breast…but also would not have come about without Breast Cancer Care!

I’ve written a quote for the Younger Women’s leaflet for Breast Cancer Care and had some of my blog posts posted in their new ‘Behind the Woman’ campaign.
http://thewoman.breastcancercare.net/
I’ve been to London to take part in a photo shoot for the new leaflet- there I was with some other lovely lovely ladies having my photo taken in a busy and very funky restaurant! Some of the pictures are of me chatting with the other women and some are of me posing with an orange- acting like I’m preparing a healthy smoothy! (So so close to reality- I’m currently scoffing Drumstick lollies from one of Ben’s party bags whilst he sleep unaware upstairs!)
http://thefollybar.co.uk/
Following this photo shoot I received an email from the organiser- Clare asking if I would mind my photo and story being used for a newsletter that goes out to BCC supporters. My mum was confused as to what exactly I meant- I clarified by saying ‘You know, when you donate to Dog’s Trust you might receive a photo of a sad stray puppy in the post; now if you support BCC you just might be lucky enough to get a picture of me landing on your doormat!
A few weeks ago I did an interview over the phone with a journalist from Psychologies magazine- this was incredibly nerve wracking as I tend to babble and was in constant fear that I would say something ridiculous and it would end up in print!
http://www.psychologies.co.uk/
On Friday a photographer and make up artist came to take a portrait picture of me for the Psychologies article. They were proper pros and came from London and everything! The lovely lovely make up artist had made up loads of famous faces- Robbie Coltraine, Vinnie Jones, but what was most lovely about her was how lovely she was with Ben. The photographer took photos of Rob Lowe last year! I found this incredibly impressive and couldn’t help thinking how thrilled she must have been to travel 2 hours to take my photo! She was also lovely with a potentially very bored 4 year old. She gave him the very important job of holding the light meter in the air- he looked very proud!

All of these opportunities stemmed from meeting the very lovely Emma at the BCC Younger Women’s forum. Today my husband has run his first ever half marathon and is raising money for Breast Cancer Care- he did so well despite his trademark lack of preparation!

http://www.justgiving.com/Robert-Morley-smith

Number Forty Eight: The Edge

A knife edge… a cliff edge… you name an edge and I’m on it! I’ve recently realised that I am coping really well… really well as long as everything runs smoothly. A tiny bump in the road, kink in the plan or hiccup in my day and I come crashing down. These issues can range from anything tiny like ‘we’ve run out of milk’ (again) to big decisions over childcare, work or relationships. And when I say ‘I come crashing down’ I mean that I lose the ability to think straight, concentrate but most infuriatingly I lose the ability to sleep! The tiniest worry will have me wide eyed at 3am, thoughts buzzing round in my tiny brain, stress building up about how to get back to sleep and calculations being made about just how tired I will be tomorrow… well today- later today as it is already tomorrow. Ugh!

I think we can safely say that the PMA is dwindling. You’d think being a positive substance it would in fact be self-replenishing but maybe it’s finite after all! Yep, I’ve spent a year harping on about how I will now face life with a new carefree attitude; cancer had shocked me into living a better life… What an idiot! All I’ve actually done is clarified number one on my ‘What to worry about’ List.

‘What to Worry About’

1. Have I failed at my very own cancer promise to myself? I was going to ‘not sweat the small stuff’, I promised myself I’d enjoy life but I can’t help reverting back to my old, worrying self! Did I set myself up to fail?
2. Am I going to be fat FOREVER?
3. Have I led the most predictable and boring life ever?
4. Should I stop working to look after my children rather than trust someone else and pay them most of what I’m earning anyway!
5. Should I be working more/longer hours/ harder? I’m very aware that I no longer look ill and worry that colleagues will think I’m a slacker. (No one has even hinted at this it is purely a negative fantasy! I spend a lot of time wondering what I myself would be thinking about myself if I weren’t myself!…I’ve never been very forgiving of people having time off work and so imagine that others think I’m lazy and work-shy!)
6. It’s not until September but… Will my son get a teacher who ‘gets him’ and will he enjoy school life?
7. Am I only a blue rinse away from looking like that old lady from Coronation Street?  (Can’t remember her name- haven’t watched it since I was about 12!)
8. Will I ever get my career back on track? Should I be patient and give myself time or should I be pushing myself now?
9. Does my husband only like watching Spartacus because he misses the sight of two boobs? (Again… my issue, not his- his only complaints are firmly in my imagination only)
10. Will it come back?
11. How can I get back to sleep?

I wish I could recapture the positivity I spoke so much about. I wish I could feel less on edge. Please can I just stop teetering and step back, relax and admire the view?

Number Forty Seven: The Inspiration!

I’ve found a theme running through people’s cancer reactions… flattery! ‘Ooh, you’re so brave!’ ‘I wouldn’t cope as well as you’ve done.’ ‘You’ve been so amazing and courageous!’ Seriously- even the word ‘inspirational’ is frequently banded about- it’s enough to go to a girl’s head! Warning! This can be dangerous, just the other day, I was feeling particularly low and irritable, I can’t even remember what my husband said to set me off but my reaction still makes me laugh aloud several weeks later. This is what I said…

‘God! Everyone else thinks I’m amazing you know! Why don’t you think I’m an inspiration? You don’t treat me like I’m special... where are my treats and presents?’

Yep, I hear you thinking- What a brat! The moral is people- don’t believe the hype! It’s kind of people to dish out these compliments but the truth is they would cope just as well. I don’t remember thinking to myself ‘Right, I’m no wimp, I can do this, I’m strong and will put up an amazing fight!’ but I do remember that there was no other option… at no point did I weigh up my options because there was no other option. I have a lot to live for so I will do everything in my power to lengthen my stay! When people say that they wouldn’t be as brave as me I say ‘Yes you would, what other choice is there?’

I am no more amazing than the next person but the real truth is we are all pretty amazing. It’s quite amazing how much a person can cope with and overcome- far more than I hope I’ll ever have to face. It is my strong belief that no matter how scared you might feel at the beginning there will be plenty of days you feel proud of what you’ve endured. So take those well meant compliments and bask in your own inspirational wonder- just don’t expect those closest to you to keep the compliments coming- remember you’re not going through this alone, whoever it is that makes up your support network will need support in return. So to my husband I say I very public ‘Sorry’ for the irritable days and a huge ‘Thank you’ for being my amazing inspiration! Bleugh!

Number Forty Six: ‘The Fear’

It’s a shame that your cancer diagnosis is not handed over with a wedge of bravery. I’m thinking along the lines of humble pie but with a more courageous filling. The thing is that even when the cancer is removed, treated, zapped and all precautions have been taken to avert its return ‘The Fear’ doesn’t go away. ‘The Fear’ lurks away in the back of your mind and rears its ugly head with every sniffle, yawn, cough, lump or bump you discover.

I speak from experience. Yesterday I had a mammogram and ultra-sound on a lump in my one remaining breast. Thankfully all tests were clear and I now have nothing to worry about. But ‘The Fear’ did cast a rather dark shadow over my Christmas. It’s amazing how easy it is to convince yourself of the worst… a little light Googling and you have a very scary self diagnosis indeed. I’d even go so far as to say that after reading that ‘lack of appetite’ was a symptom of cancer spreading I managed to convince myself I wasn’t hungry every single meal time.

I am so grateful that the breast clinic took my lump seriously and tested me thoroughly; I can honestly say that today I feel lighter and happier than I have in a long time. It’s amazing what a clear mammogram can do for the soul! My new worry is now though, I know ‘The Fear’ exists and I know that it will build up steam in between tests. Am I going to feel more and more anxious the further into the past my most recent mammogram becomes? After the first one, I never thought anyone would be telling me I’d look forward to a mammogram but the reassurance gained from a clear test sure is powerful! I guess I’ll have to find a way to control the ‘The Fear’- I can’t be knocking on the door of the breast clinic every time I feel tired. Although I will be knocking every time I feel a lump- no ignoring that symptom- cross my heart! 

As well as being reassured by a clear test result I’m also a little pleased with myself. You see, I’m a right blabber mouth, never could keep a secret but with the crappy timing of this recent lump slap bang in the middle of the festive period I set myself a challenge- would it be possible to keep this worry to myself? I thought I should spare my friends and family the worry if I could and now I’m really pleased I did because there was nothing to worry about anyway! They were all furious with me when I did confess- they thought I should have told them- a problem shared and all that, they’ve made me promise to confide in them in future and I will but this time I’m just glad that I didn’t worry too many people unnecessarily and proud that I proved to myself I can keep a secret after all!

Yesterday I was reassured not only by a clear result but also by my consultant telling me I have every right to freak out over potential symptoms- it’s perfectly normal to be overly worried after what I’ve been though and the vigilance that ‘The Fear’ provides may mean I find any future lumps sooner rather than later- who knows- maybe ‘The Fear’ has its uses?

Number Forty Five: The Younger Women's Forum

I recently went on a weekend away- very nice it was too! A night in a hotel and two days of slap up meals! But this was a weekend with a difference- it was organised by Breast Cancer Care and was a forum for younger women affected by breast cancer.
Once I was booked on I was really nervous- what if everyone was really serious and depressing? What if no one wanted to speak to me? What if they were all really young and was in fact an older woman?
I had this whole scenario worked out in my head that there would be high school style cliques. The straight forward lumpectomy girls hanging out together, the bald ones sticking together, the wiggy ones in a tight circle and a group of hard core stage fourers that no one would mess with! Where would I fit in? Would I be accepted into any of these groups?
As it turned out of course all the 29 other women were perfectly normal (much like me) and it was soon clear that breast cancer was not all we shared in common. There seemed  to be a high number of teachers for a start- are we susceptible to breast cancer or are we just more inclined to attend courses held in hotels? You decide.
It was really interesting to hear different experiences, many of which made me feel lucky. The others talked of friendship and relationship issues, problems with work, continuing side affects from the treatment and a lack of control over how their diagnosis was handled. I have to say that this was a real eye opener- I haven't had any friends drop me because they couldn't face dealing with me and cancer (well if they did drop me then `i haven't noticed so I'm certainly not missing them!) If anything my relationship is stronger now. I have no arm pain and have full use of my arm and shoulder. (A patch remains numb but who needs armpit sensitivity?) It seems I have put hot flushes past me quicker than I could have hoped to as well! I've talked a lot about how grateful I am that I had my two boys before this thing hit but the younger women's forum bought this home again. I am definitely one of the lucky ones.
Twitter played its part as it seems to do these days- I met a couple of lovely ladies who I'd been following for a few months- it was great to put a face to the tweets and was oddly reassuring to know that there was going to be someone that I knew there (well sort of).
It was funny to look around the room and see all the different stages of hair regrowth- I had a thin covering of hair at the time and most women seemed to want that stage back again; they hated their new thick, curly hair and wanted a short crop back- this makes me think that I have a difficult stage ahead of me! But looking around that room I saw many people I hoped to look just like really soon!
The major issue these younger women seemed to have was with their medical team not communicating openly with them- something I initially thought I hadn't experienced myself- it wasn't until I started to recall where I got all my information from and realised it was of course not from the medical team at all but from a friend who'd already experienced all this herself. This has really made me think about how important it is to team up with someone who has unfortunately been there and done that- their experience can certainly ease your fear of the unknown. I'm really grateful that I had someone to talk me through step by step what I was likely to expect.
It was great to get tips from the other women at the forum too- from deodorant choices and shampoo to serums, pillows and Tamoxifen brands. One lady even told me about a charity that would happily send me on a holiday!
I learnt loads about reconstructive surgery and am now looking forward to getting my new boob- even though I expect it to be a bit Frankensteinish! The part I took most away from was the psychologist who came to talk to us about moving on- he had so much to say that was fascinating and I think it was really well timed for me- I was at a point where I was ready and willing to move on and he made me feel better about many of the emotions I'd been experiencing- to be honest it's not the actual emotions that are the problem- it's the flitting between them all that can make life difficult!
One of the things I was always in danger of doing was over sharing- I knew my splurge-like mouth could get me into trouble! There was a sex and relationships seminar that I attended and even I could feel myself willing my mouth to shut and stay closed- honestly what is my problem? Why do I feel the need to share everything? This was of course true of the evening's socialising; once I had a drink in me I couldn't help telling my table at dinner how wonderfully normal I thought everyone was and telling them about my high school clique fears. We then preceded to play Top Trumps with our cancer symptoms, treatments and procedures... 'Just a lumpectomy? Pah, I've had a full mastectomy!' 'Just the one? I've had both off!' 'You did't even have chemo? Ugh, Call yourself a cancer patient? You don't even know you're born!' 'Radiotherapy... well that's just a walk in the park!' It was funny in a dark way but you might have had to have been there!
So I took a lot away from the weekend... information, shared experiences, new friendships, a better understanding of my own recovery, a sense of being lucky in many many ways and a respectable score at Top Trumps!
I am hugely grateful to Breast Cancer Care for their organisation of this event. I found it unexpectedly useful and entertaining- and I wasn't the only one- I think everyone enjoyed themselves and plan to keep in touch- there's even a reunion planned already!
So I guess what I'm trying to say is... if you're going to donate to a breast cancer charity then make sure it is Breast Cancer Care- they're fab!

Number Forty Four: The Rollercoaster

Life's little ups and downs!

Hello? Are you still there?

I know I’ve been quiet for a while but it’s honestly because I’ve been so busy getting on with my life- shouldn’t really apologise for that! I guess in actual fact, in the real world I’ve been anything but quiet! My other excuse is that I really haven’t had anything cancery to say! Once radiotherapy was done most appointments have stopped and nothing at all interesting has happened during any of the herceptin visits so nothing to say there either! Even the hot flushes have just about stopped! I promised myself that I wouldn’t continue to waffle aimlessly- if I have nothing cancer-ish to say then I would not write a blog post- simple.

Getting back to real life has been a lot of fun but is very up and down and is definitely best described as a rollercoaster! I went on a hen night and spent the whole time either feeling bald, fat and ugly and noticing strangers quickly look away embarrassed that they’d accidently caught my eye or feeling wonderfully proud of myself that despite everything I was still out partying and dancing the night away! It’s exhausting having these mixed emotions- I honestly can’t even keep up with them myself! (Possibly the vodka laced sangria had something to do with the emotion! I’ve always been an emotional drunk!)

The other tricky thing is keeping sight of that new found perspective I’ve harped on so much about! The best thing I had taken from this whole beast breast experience was not to take anything for granted, to enjoy life and not to sweat the small stuff. But my God that perspective can be a slippery bugger! I so easily stress over little things and have to have a proper word with myself! It’s full time job this relaxed approach you know!

In the last week I have started back at the gym and have even been eating more sensibly- the being fat gets me down way more than the bald does so I’m being proactive. All evidence points to both Herceptin and Tamoxifen interfering with losing weight but I’m determined to try anyway.

The other thing I’ve done is plan my party- my getting better party party party! My happiest times are dancing- cheesy discos, wedding receptions, hen nights- you name it- I do love a boogie! SO in order to have more dancing in my life I’ve decided I must have a party. (I’m well aware that if I’m choosing the music people might not even come but then hey- dance floor to myself- it wouldn’t be the first time!)

I’m sure things will continue to be up and down for a while but hopefully everything will even out and just maybe become a little more high than low? After all crappy 2011 is nearly behind us! I am so looking forward to this weekend- more partying AND we’re going to see Tim Minchin- ridiculously excited about this- see you Friday Tim! Definite rollercoaster high!

Number Forty Three: The Radiotherapy

I think this machine has actually been featured in an episode of Ben10!

Radiotherapy was done and dusted a week ago now and although it was definitely a walk in the park compared to chemotherapy I do feel it deserves at least a little mention.

Before it began I tried to explain to my eldest what would be happening (tricky as it really was nothing like I’d imagined it)

‘Well a machine will sort of shoot and zap me to kill off any nasty bits in me and I might get tired and my skin will be a bit burnt.’

Turns out I made it sound more like an episode of Ben10 than I had intended.

‘Yeah mum, when are you having your shooting and burning?’ he asked a few days later. Note to self-shooting, zapping and burning are all way cooler to a three year old boy than they are to you as a patient!

My skin is burnt now- in a ridiculous rectangle shape and it’s too sore to wear a bra. Without a bra I obviously look a little unbalanced so I now fashion most outfits with a strategically placed scarf (some days I do look like I’m wearing a bib). I am beginning to think that cancer was just maybe created by some sort of evil scarf seller with a view to increasing his sales. Cancer=heavy reliance on scarves! As well as trying not to look like a pirate there is obviously a fashion rule against wearing more than one scarf at a time so if you’re disguising a lack of boob with a scarf then you’re just going to have to find something else to wear on your head! Exactly the same as the ‘double denim’ rule- just say no!

When you have radiotherapy you get your own gown- no expense spared! This means you have to remember to take it with you everyday- I forgot (twice) which meant I had to wear the inferior gown that didn’t have fancy zips and Velcro. It was just like at school when you forget your kit and you’re made to wear the lost property shorts and t-shirt-ugh!!! The other thing you have to remember is to display your parking permit- I forgot and was given an £80 fine on day one! (I wormed my way out of it naturally!)

When you’re actually being zapped it’s very difficult to believe anything is really happening (you kind of know something pretty dangerous IS happening because everyone legs it out of the room and leaves you all alone!) but the actual zap is all very uneventful really. What is a bit of a nightmare is getting you lined up in the right place on the bed- one arm in the air, head to the side, up a bit, down a bit, side to side. Once you’re in place you must not move- I think we’ve established my memory isn’t what it used to be but during the positioning of about the twelfth of fifteen zaps I forgot about being still and lifted my hand to scratch my face. No no no this is NOT allowed. I got a bit told off… I hate getting told off! And so then the most ridiculous thing of this entire beast breast journey happened… I cried… because I didn’t want to be told off! By this point everyone had scarpered for fear of the radiation so I was all alone crying, whilst being zapped and of course lying incredibly still! I thought not licking sugar from your lips whilst eating a jam doughnut was tricky- try not wiping your tears whilst having radiation shot at you! Luckily I was wearing a woolly hat so my tears had something to soak into!  

So that’s one more thing behind me. Just the Herceptin and Tamoxifen to tick off my list now! It is worth mentioning that I seem to have the slowest growing hair ever- think I’m destined to be bald for an awful long time yet! And whilst I am bald I really must remember not to try and comfort any crying foundation children in the corridor as I tend to scare them and just make the crying louder! The rest of work is going well- The highlight so far has been a little girl telling me she thought that ‘Benny and the Jets’ was a song her cousin made up whilst they were on holiday in a caravan! Don’t tell Elton!

Anyway, as far as the half a burnt chest goes- the only way to even it up is to go to Gran Canaria- oh go on then. If I must!

Number Forty Two: The Mes (old and new)

Old Me Vs New Me

So, one thing that happens when you get the life changing cancer news is exactly that… your life changes. There’s a new perspective that focuses you on the fact that life can be short. Yesterday I uttered ‘I’ll live…’ before carefully adding ‘I hope…’ This thought would never have entered my head before. It really doesn’t matter how positively you face this or how determined you are to beat it, there is still a huge dark question mark hanging over your head that wasn’t there in your carefree pre-cancer days. (Beware- this question mark can cause unexpected and unwanted wobbles at any time!) All this results in a split personality- the new me verses the old me. There are some good things about having a new me, equally some negative aspects but I will definitely say that keeping two personalities (well two separate trains of thought anyway!) going can be exhausting! Sometimes I wish the new me would get a grip and shake the old me, other times I wish I could find and secure the old me in place! Confused? You will be!

The return to real life: The old me was pretty confident, sometimes open to self criticism but sturdy most of the time. The new me feels a bit vulnerable- timeout means I have missed things, everything’s moved on and this is a bit unsettling. New faces are welcoming yes, but so much change makes me nervous- new routines, equipment, procedures. How will I ever catch up? (I know this feeling- it’s happened once before… during my first maternity leave APP was introduced- ugh! I’ll always feel like I’m catching up where that’s concerned!) I have to make it clear here that I have the most supportive work place in the world but unfortunately that doesn’t change the fact that I was, at one time one of the most experienced members of staff and now I’m a bit floundering and wondering where resources are kept!

I’m thinking that the old, more confident, energetic me will, in time surface and guide me!

Old me 1 : New me 0

The image: This is an odd one- it does depend on my mood. I don’t want to sound too full of myself but the old me was pretty enough- ok face, nice hair, on the thinner side of fat. I really had no complaints! (Maybe a nose job but only on an insecure day!) The new me does not have this luxury! In my opinion the whispy regrowth looks even worse than the clean bald head and the moon pig face with the lopsided body to match is pretty gross. That all being said the really funny thing is that as long as I avoid mirrors I am totally oblivious to what I look like- The confidence about our image must somehow be hardwired from how we grew up. I am sure that if I’d always looked this way I would have serious issues about my image. I may just exist in a small dark room and never see the light of day! Knowing it’s all temporary must obviously help too. You could have knocked me down with a pair of GHDs, a year ago if someone told me I’d be wandering around looking like this… not caring about my appearance.

All this is well and good but I am really looking forward to the old me reflecting back at the me one of these days!

Old me 2 : New me 0

The important things in life: This is a no brainner- The old me spent hours worrying about what people thought of me, the new me spends hours planning good times! The old me stressed out and had melt downs- the new me still does but then remembers that life is short and moves on whilst the old me would still be obsessing!

Old me 2 : New me 1

To be honest it’s very draining keeping up with the new me because the old me is obviously the natural/true me. The new me’s attitude has to battle and squish down the old me in order to take its place!

I guess the bad parts of the new me will subside- I will find myself at work again…my hair will grow…I’ll have reconstructive surgery…I’ll slim down.

I guess the good part of the new me- the part that sees what’s important in life will remain. It’ll go AWOL at times but now I’ve found it I’ll not let it too far out of my sight. And if I can reach that all important ten year mark then I actually think that brooding question mark might fade slightly too- here’s hoping!

Number Forty One: The Nostalgia

It may well be down to nothing more than my age but I’m getting more and more consumed by the past at the moment. I have spent the summer either visiting places we went as a family during my childhood or daydreaming about days gone by!

An evening playing Singstar with my sisters brought back many memories as we decided on which songs to download- I may well have lost every song but I was the last lady standing at the end of the night- unheard of!

Songs have that knack of taking you back instantly and Radio2’s golden oldies are starting to chime with me- see it must be my age! I’ve got two vivid memories of pop music from when I was really little- the first is me dancing in the neighbour’s house to Uptown Girl and the second is me and Jeneen having a full blown row in the back of the car about who liked ‘Red Gold and Green’ the most!

Last weekend’s bike ride for Cancer Research (you know the one where I won a bike!) also brought memories flooding back- as a child most summer evenings were spent on family bike rides and the route of this charity bike ride went right behind my childhood home- cue me yelling Erin and Claire stories (the place where we met on the way to school, the place where we walked on the iced over canal-idiot girls!, the place where we had 'biker birthday') to Rob who was furiously peddling and dragging along the trailer with both boys in! I think my stories made it all the more enjoyable for him!

Even the more recent past has been on my mind- we drove past my old school the other day and I told Ben that that was where mummy and daddy met and fell in love.

‘Why did you love him Mummy?’

‘Because he was so funny and gorgeous.’

‘But mummy… now Daddy is a Doofus and you get angry with him!’

Ha! Out of the mouths of babes! And could anyone advise when this endless questions- why? Why? WHY? Stage ends? I’m sure as a teacher I should be embracing his inquisitive nature but my goodness it can be tiring!

Today in the chemo unit- I was only there to have my line flushed (line removal day has been named as this Tuesday! Woo-hoo!) I met a couple who turned out to be the parents of a boy I was in sixth form with- so I had a little impromptu wander down memory lane with them too!

This nostalgia business may have a lot to do with the fact I have a family of my own now- Ben is getting to the age where my first memories begin and I keep finding myself telling him things that I did when I was little. It also makes me think lots about my mum- I’m re-seeing my childhood from a mum’s perspective rather than just from my own- I guess that wouldn’t have been possible until now.

Well radiotherapy seems be going smoothly enough (save the parking ticket!) I’ve had a parking space everyday no problems- 8 sessions down- 7 to go. It’s starting to hurt and, this afternoon I just slept but still feel exhausted so it’s taking its toll. I am actually beginning to laugh at myself- I always think I’ll be fine- no matter what symptoms others tell me about- Pah! Not me I think! I’m made of stronger stuff! (Not sure what exactly- cancer riddled rubbish stuff so far!) so I’m not so surprised that the traditional Radiotherapy symptoms have gripped me after all. Note to self- stop setting yourself up for a fall by thinking you’re the best one!

Being back at work has made me feel really happy- it’s great being back in the real world! Being part time means I have restful afternoon where one son naps and the other watches Cbeebies for a while- this mean I can rest or even knock up a quick maths plan- genius!

So very soon the line will be out and healed, meaning I can go to Whittlebury Spa for a little overnight stay in half term, the radiotherapy will be done meaning I can get properly to grips with my new routine and new role at school. Although I do think I’m going to miss the extended time I’ve had with Chris Evans in the mornings on my drive up and down the motorway- this could be nostalgia too- only now he’s on Radio2 instead of on Radio1 like when I was at school! Again this makes me feel old- my sisters hate me listening to Radio2- their time will come! Shame my day off is a Friday really- now I have to sing ‘Candyman’ on my own instead of with Mrs Bassett- it’s really not the same!

Maybe when your future becomes that little bit uncertain you pause to have a little look back- not sure but, erm…I’m really hoping that all this nostalgia is just me appreciating my life and not in actual fact my life flashing very slowly before my eyes- now that would be disappointing!

Number Forty: The Twittering

It’s impossible to explain to a non-tweeter the wonder of Twitter! I tried it last night at a party...

‘Isn’t it just like Facebook?’ They ask.

‘Nooooooooo, it’s really not.’ I reply.

Facebook is used for showcasing, gloating and letting people know what they’ve missed out on. It’s also used for sharing thinly veiled digs at people. Many a row has been caused by Facebook.

I really don’t think the same can be said of Twitter… I have found Twitter to be a source of comfort and reassurance and also a fountain of knowledge! Sometimes it can just be really good company! It’s a support network- mine is full of teachers who are happy to share their ideas and good practice. My twitter world is also full of tweeters currently undergoing various cancer treatments- this can be really useful when they are having similar treatment to me but are a week or so ahead- they let me know what to expect which helps prepare me for the next stage. A surprising amount of the people I ‘follow’ are both teachers AND cancer survivors! Worrying?!

Hopefully I am equally as supportive to the people who are bored enough to want to follow me- I do try!

I’d like to introduce you to a special few…

Chez @ScouseChez I first ‘met’ Chez on the breast cancer care forum- we were diagnosed within days of each other and had the same reactions- to share our stories with anyone who’ll listen. Chez checks in whenever I go quiet- she picked up pretty quickly that quiet is not a good sign! Thanks for being there Chez!

http://chez-diaryofadramaqueen.blogspot.com/

Caitriona @ol_cait I stumbled upon Cait’s blog through one of someone else’s tweets I think. She’s living in Ireland, is younger than me, has two young children and another on the way- sounds perfect until you factor in the stage 4 breast cancer. I could echo all the bravery and inspiration comments but I think she’s probably just dealing with what life throws at her as she has little choice and awful lot to live for! Hence the title of her blog… http://butiwannaliveforever.blogspot.com/ Cait recently tweeted that her wig was getting a little past it, so knowing that I was never going to wear mine I sent it over to Ireland where it is now hopefully far more useful- sitting on Cait’s head rather than on my wig stand! How fab Twitter is then that it put me (wig waster) in touch with Cait (wig needer) Gotta love The Twitter!

Ali @theotheralig I can’t remember how I found Ali but I’m so glad I did- we started chemo at the same time but she won the race to final chemo day due to my week delay (stupid botched line!) She calls herself my chemo sister and has been there every step of the way… we both start back at work in the morning after long breaks from our schools- good luck with your new class Ali.

http://abgreenteacher.blogspot.com/

http://theotheralig.blogspot.com/

Harriet @misshbond I think I discovered Harriet through Ali but I’m not too sure. Harriet was an NQT last year and is about to give birth to twin baby girls- I’ve loved following her twin tales. I realised how important twitter had become recently when I found myself worrying a ridiculous amount about Harriet’s lack of tweets- was she OK? Back in hospital? Were the babies OK? Turned out I’d missed the tweet that said… ‘I’m going on holiday- won’t be tweeting, see you in a few days!’ Nothing to worry about at all then! It’s really odd that I’m looking forward to hearing about the safe arrival of these’s babies when I’ve never even met their mum! I internet is truly weird!

http://harriet-twintales.blogspot.com/

I honestly wonder how I’d have filled my sick leave without the internet and more specifically twitter. Twitter has advised, supported and accompanied me through a rubbish time- thanks for joining me! Next I’m on a mission to get the staff at my school twittering!

Oh and by the way…hands up who thought I’d make it to Number Forty! Anyone?

Number Thirty Nine: The Holiday Highlights.

I posted before the summer about what I hoped to achieve over the six week break… The Summer

Now it’s nearly over I’m looking back to see if I can tick everything off my list!

Brightest highlight- seeing The Wilsons- having been gone for a year it took less than five minutes to feel like they’d never been away but it seemed like a whirlwind visit and of course they’ve gone again now. I thought I wouldn’t cry but I did! And I blame Mr Wilson for this- catching me off guard with his uncharacteristic kind words… honestly I thought nothing could break that man’s shell of sarcasm but inside he’s a softie- right?

Biggest let down-Cars2- ugh! What an awful film! I just felt so cheated- We loved Cars SO much and was not prepared for this poor sequel.

Best day out- Bowood House and gardens- photos below say it all! I had been there on a school trip when I was nine- had amazing memories and now I have even more!

Most important improvement- My boys are more settled, happy boys and are changing every day!

Most time consuming change-The house- it’s been painted, organised and cleaned. But it would seem that once Rob starts painting it’s difficult to get him to stop. We even have clean sofas now! (They look so good that Sarah thought they were new ones this morning!)

So here are the select highlights of our summer- gotta love photos- it looks like our summer has been perfect (clearly we didn’t capture the rows, sickness, moods, rain and tantrums on camera- odd that!)

If you Don’t like looking at other people’s photos (Rob) then turn away now!

Day one of the summer was all about bike riding, week one was all about learning to ride a two wheeler- the rest is history!

 

First treat for us grown ups was going to see Harry Potter- I just loved it! I was so worried that the cinema would be full and we’d have to sit at the front that I told the waiter in LaTasca that we needed to order and eat really fast- we were out of there in 17 mins! Can anyone beat that for mealtime speed?

 

The beginning of the holidays saw the facial hair finally go and I have to say that I really wasn’t prepared to feel quite so sad about this. I’d dealt so well with the head hair loss that I didn’t give the lashes much thought- this was a mistake. Having no facial hair made me look ten million times more like an ill person! (Facial bloating hasn’t helped either.)

 

We made the super find that was ‘Start the Art’ at MK Gallery early on in the holidays. It was super messy fun for the under fives and my boys loved it! They organised fab indoor and outdoor activities- just sad today will be our last one until half term now!

 

The majority of the (non rainy bits of the) holidays were spent in various parks. The monkey boy Ben continues to love climbing- and Harry is following closely behind- the mountain goat boy!

 

When we weren’t at a park we could be found eating out (this could explain some of the weight gain!)

And just a few ice creams…

 

We had a couple of trips to see Nana and Grandpa chickens…always very relaxing and loads of fun for the boys- Rob’s parents have kept every single toy their four children have ever owned- brilliant for retro toys!

 

A bit of dressing up!

And a lot of playing in boxes…

 

…and what should have been a relaxing summer and actually been ridiculously busy and left us all feeling a bit like this…

Number Thirty Eight: The Hurry

You may well have got the impression already that I’m quite often in a hurry to move on to the next thing. This is definitely so and the impulse to move on has never been more strong than when it comes to moving on from the Beast Breast!

I’ve decided to return to work at the beginning of September- I just can’t resist that ‘start of a new year’ feel, can’t wait to catch up with everybody after so long off and get stuck into my job! Going back to work is the biggest part of moving on- I am really looking forward to getting back to normal (ish).

There are however a few pesky things that seem to be trying to hinder my hurry to move on…

1. The Line- it’s just been a nightmare from start to finish really. I can now have it removed- yay! “Good news” I hear you cry- no more weekly hospital visits for line flushing or dressing changes. I’ll be able to swim and bath again! As soon as the line is removed I can stop the evil stingy blood thinning injections! That all sounds lovely apart from one sticking point… there’s no one available to remove the line- not at MK or at Northampton! So for now I’m stuck with it! (Have considered self removal but thought better of it!)

2. The Hair- it’s definitely growing back but I think we all know that it realistically won’t be growing back fast enough for my liking! And if it’s possible I think a slightly hairy fluffy head is more unattractive than a completely bald head! Twice now I’ve woken up from dreaming about having lovely long hair. Cruel subconscious!
3. The FAT- yep, eight months of feeling up to doing very little will do that to you (that and the steroids) my most regular form of exercise has been to shuffle pathetically from the sofa to the bed and back again! I am now feeling really motivated to get fit and healthy and lose the weight but it seems my body has other plans- I thought a brisk walk would be a sensible starting point… Oh no! My body was not happy about this- a bit of a shock to the system after so long on the sofa! My feet have decided to strongly object in the form of the biggest blisters you’ve ever seen! The soles of my feet are more blister than foot! Yesterday I could not even walk! (Unless you count the ridiculous penguin-like shuffle I adopted!) Was this really my body so literally telling me not to hurry quite so much?

4. The Tattoos- they’re not exactly hindering my moving on but they are disappointing- much more visible than I thought they’d be and just serve as a little reminder that I’ll be driving up and down the M1 an awful lot over the next month! I’m approaching radiotherapy in the same flippant way I originally approached chemotherapy- let’s hope it’s the walk in the park I’ve set myself up for because if it’s not then I’m going to get a shock! Radiotherapy starts on 7^th September for three weeks. 
5. The Herceptin- I’ve not really experienced any side affects. The problem with this is the interruption really. From now on it’ll be given every three weeks at my house- very convenient until you factor into that canular and drip tangled equation two small children! Also the fact that I could think of much better things to do with two hours every third Friday afternoon!
6. The scars- they don’t really bother me. They are just a reminder that reconstruction is still something to consider in the future.
7. The Tamoxifen- starts next week and continues, one tablet a day, for the next FIVE years! This really is the part I’m dreading the most… can my marriage really survive an early menopause? I’m already a moody beast and things are set to get worse! (Good thing I’ve booked that holiday- let’s just hope I won’t be going alone!)

It’s not just my body urging me not to hurry too quickly… my friends keep giving me long head tilted looks and saying ‘Are you sure you’re not over doing it?’ Probably but I imagine they’d be exactly the same in my position!

Anyway, I’ll continue to look forward and get excited about the future but I’ll also try to do this at a pace that suits my recovery. I’ll try my very best to control my urge to hurry… promise.

Number Thirty Seven: The Parenting

Cowboy hats- a cancer perk courtesy of my hospital stay!

I’ve wondered on and on about how the Beast breast has affected my boys but Monday night’s Cherry Healey’s Parenting Dilemmas made me feel much better! The way I parent has always worried me… I’ve mentioned before that I did not take to motherhood like a duck to water and was surprised to find what a pressure I found being the perfect mother. Ha no such thing! My fear of ‘What will other mothers think of me?’  didn’t begin on day one… I was good at the early baby bit- feeding and sleeping, it was the ‘How do I deal with THIS behaviour?’ that had me stumped. This occurred on the very day that my first born turned two… that night he learned how to climb out of his cot! This meant moving on to a bed much earlier than we’d hoped due to my fear of broken limbs/skull. It also led to his nocturnal head banging not only disturbing us but also our neighbours as cot bars were replaced with their adjoining wall! This is just a teeny tiny example of the trials I certainly had not contemplated when planning to have a baby. My baby was no more- in his place was a terrible two! (The REAL low point was being asked to leave Baby Gym! I was so mortified that I could not hold back the tears in front of perfect strangers and my boy was utterly distressed- ‘I want to say sorry, I want to go back to Gymlastics’, he sobbed all the way home. Who knows if this was a terrible bit of instruction on the part of the gym teacher or did in actual fact teach him a valuable lesson- probably both! Either way the gym lost a potential future gym star that day- a child who has NO fear, the HIGHEST pain threshold known to man AND boundless energy- sounds like vital gymnastic attributes to me- the discipline could be learned later but we won’t be returning there!)  

My mum recently went on a course- the lady leading the course wasn’t from the UK and Terrible Twos was a new concept to her- she made the point that it is the expectations we place on our two year olds that lead us to believe they are terrible- in her country they treat two year olds as slightly older babies and so are not disappointed… are less anxious and less judgemental. This sounds like bliss compared to my experience. Find me several hundreds of miles away convincing myself that all the other mothers had nothing better to do than scrutinise my parenting skills. I look back now and realise that all the pressure was coming from within- hindsight is a fabulous thing! Also it’s easy to see looking back that all these short phases pass- at the time I had myself convinced that I was stuck with a tantruming beast forever. His will power determination and confidence have remained but he is much calmer. (On the whole) It is more easy to reason with him now anyway. For ‘Reason with,’ read. ‘Bribe!’

I watched Cherry Healy’s documentary on parenting this morning- I’m compelled as much by her honesty as I am by her hair! For those of you who missed it (catch it on iPlayer) she examined different parenting styles and reflected upon what she hoped for her own daughter. I guess what made for good telly though was to again visit extreme examples- strict meaning smacking three times a week and putting your child in the garden in the dark at night if they didn’t go to sleep! I think a more balanced approach would have strict equalling- I always carry out what I say- consistency is the key. Have high expectations and have fun- give your child a reason to want to spend time with you,enjoy your company, love you and respect you. The worst example though in my opinion was the home schooling mother- I know I’m a teacher and so obviously have an interest in schools but watching this reignited my passionate loathing for home schooling. I just can not see it as anything but a reflection of utter selfish parenting. It says so much more about the needs of the parent than those of the child- mothers and fathers who simply ignore their responsibility to bring their child up as sociable, independent young people. Young people who are well equipped with dealing with a variety of social situations and peers- many of which will have been awkward or even painful experiences but vital in the journey toward becoming independent and well rounded. The only needs catered for effectively was those of the parents- a need to keep them close and controlled. I saw nothing positive in the home schooling approach that I did not feel could be achieved out of school hours but I did see appalling examples of so called teaching! I believe that well balanced happy children should go skipping into school at quarter to nine and skipping home again at three O’clock.

It probably wouldn’t make good telly but I’d love to see ‘The Balanced Parenting’ approach- not extreme in any way, honest about the trials and tribulations that are part of parenting- Cherry herself was the closest we got to this example so I hope she continues to share her journey with us.

Anyway… I digress- rant over!

One thing that is extremely clear to me about parenting second time around is how much more simple and straight forward everything is. (Once you get over the ‘double trouble’ element of juggling two children of differing ages and stages and therefore needs.) You not only have all the baby paraphernalia you more importantly have been there and done that once before! I don’t believe it is possible to parent your second child in the same way you parented first time around- just can’t be done! You know too much! Looking back I feel silly for spending the nine months of my pregnancy reading up on pregnancy and birth- how had it not occurred to me that this was a tiny slither of what I was actually getting myself into? Silly girl!

I’ve said before that one of the positive affects of the Beast Breast is that I’m happier being myself- I’m here to enjoy the life I’ve been given and will no longer be wasting time and energy worrying quite so much about what others are thinking of me. I truly believe this will be the single most beneficial thing that could have happened for my parenting abilities and therefore for my wonderful boys. And if I needed any proof of this I just need to remember Saturday’s BBQ where my three year old played beautifully with his friends and sorted out minor squabbles without the need of adult intervention and my one year old played and giggled his way to nine pm making the adults beam! Proud, confident, well balanced parenting is the way forward and has been all the more achievable thanks to the wake up call that is cancer.

I feel the need for a P.S…

Please don’t think I’m bragging about my children- I still find being a mummy exhausting and challenging, I have just realised that I needed to worry less and enjoy more.

P.P.S… I also must acknowledge that there are probably some cases when home schooling IS most appropriate and there and probably examples of it being done very well- just not this time.

P.P.P.S… Don’t even get me start on Kumon maths lessons!

Number Thirty Six: The Fug

This morning was the first time I woke up with ideas swimming around in my tiny brain… the first wake up in ages where I felt like writing.

Before this whole thing happened; if anyone asked me if I liked writing I’d have laughed (and spat out my drink) ‘No!’ Whilst a student, I spent four years of my life trying to avoid writing essays (not the way to earn a degree it turns out!) and when I had to write I always calculated the exact minimum amount of words needed to scrape by. (Can’t understand why I didn’t get a 1^st really!) But now, it turns out that I can enjoy writing- in fact it’s the first sign after treatment that I’m creeping back towards being my normal self.

Some of the chemotherapy side affects are well known (nausea) and others are obvious (hair loss) but there’s a secret symptom that you really didn’t know about before… the fug. The fug stops you being able to think, remember, understand and even read! Yep, the other day my husband laughed at my attempts to read a picture book to my 3 year old- I did sound like the ‘Slow Readers Group’ poem from ‘Please Mrs Butler’. I am also rendered utterly useless when trying to follow a film plot. We have to keep pausing for Rob to explain- I don’t even have to ask anymore- he just periodically pauses when he thinks something slightly complicated might have just passed me by. Maybe it’s my glazed expression?

This fug just seems to interfere with your ability to concentrate meaning I can happily spend hours gazing into space. I’ll have a book or magazine in the vicinity but I won’t be looking right at it!

I’ve said before that many of the symptoms of this treatment are similar to pregnancy- extreme pregnancy and then some! Sickness, heartburn, aching, constipation and yep- baby brain!

I’m recovering from the fifth of six cycles of chemotherapy… the end is right there- within a fortnight it’ll be done and I’ll be recovering for the last time! I was incredibly blasé about this before I started. I remember my mum breezing through her treatment (we both agree now we remembered that time with incredibly rose tinted glasses) and I just thought ‘I’m young and healthy, I’ll be fine- chemo won’t touch me!’ Hilariously I still think to myself, ‘I’m not an ill person.’ I still associate being an ill person with being a lazy, work shy skiver! This does not help with the feelings of guilt, ‘I should be at work, I should tidy up, I should really do the boys’ bathtime myself tonight.’ And I’m realising that you actively need to rest and recuperate not plough on as normal. Difficult when you feel like you’re always missing out! So I should have respected chemo from the start- I should have known it’d knock me for six and I should have realised that taking time out to recover would have made the recovery all the more effective! In short it’s just been way harder than I’d hoped. A horrid experience I’d not wish on my worst enemy (you know who you are!) Each time it has got harder, my positivity is being chipped away at, my resilience is worn and my ability to fight has really been drained to the final dregs. I know this because at the ‘Race for Life’ I saw one of those pink squares on a girl’s back and it said… ‘In celebration of Myself- I’ve beaten it… twice.’ The thought of it coming back and doing this all over again makes me instantly burst into tears. It’s just too hard.

During the week following treatment you feel so awful and it really is difficult to imagine feeling well again. It can actually take you by surprise when the day arrives that you don’t feel like rolling over and covering your head with the duvet. For me, waking with the enthusiasm to ‘blog’ is a really good sign! The fug is lifting!